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A Deep Well of Emotion

Updated: Jan 1, 2023

So, I spent the day going over things to do with my writing, and the constant strain work puts on me. Working 40 hours a week and being a single mom can be stressful on its own but add to that trying to make a living out of being an author, and you’ve got a lot. I seem to have trouble with my many projects, in particular finishing them. Which, that can be frustration for people that read my work.

I’ve been thinking a lot about gender and how that has affected my life in various ways. I was talking to my enbyfriend today about it, and we’re both masculine leaning enbies, possibly trans men in some ways, and I know for a fact my gender was what drove a final nail in the coffin of my marriage. But it was a good thing, because it led me to realize a lot of things about myself in a lot of ways. I was a “wife” and that was my identity. Now, I’m so much more than that.

I think it is interesting how our identities get tied up in who our partners are, and how we’re never truly separate beings in many ways, especially if you’re like me and get together with someone at a young age. Your whole being becomes being a part of someone’s spouse or partner. There isn’t a singular you, but instead a you that’s part of a collective pair. Which, I know sounds strange, because I’m now polyamorous, but there’s more to it. I’m a singular person involved in a group dynamic now, not that a whole part of my being is summed up by being defined by my partner. From my gaming life to all aspects of my personal life, I was a part of a bigger whole. Now I’m just myself.

I’ve recently got back into gaming (ironically, with my ex-husband). I play online games and in person tabletop games. I run a Dungeons and Dragons game for my son, ex-husband, a friend, and my partners. It is incredibly strange in some ways, as everyone in the room has special ties to me. I enjoy it a great deal, and we have a good time playing. I also play Final Fantasy 14 with him and those friends, and it is a good time too. It allows me to turn off my mind and just play a game, and that has some great value to me.

But back to the gender exploration. I seemed to have digressed, but you can see where my mind is. I have to wonder if I were younger if I would actually come out as a trans man. I would, I think, had I not grown so used to the female side of myself, and come to accept it as part of me. As strange as it sounds, the whole idea of transition seems foreign to me in some ways, because I’ll never truly be able to achieve the me that’s in my mind. To look in the mirror and not know the person looking back at you is a strange sensation, and one I am utterly familiar with.

I guess that brings up the issues of where I am today. I spent the morning wondering what it is that I’m trying to do with my life. And the answer is what I wouldn’t expect. I don’t really know for sure. I know some of the things that I want out of life, but they feel so far away. Some things, like being completely at home in my body, will never happen. There is no surgery or aid for someone like me that suffers bottom dysphoria as an AFAB person. Sure, there’s bottom surgeries for trans men and masc leaning non binary folks, but they are not favorable outcomes to me. Plus, the chance of losing sensation is not ideal, and one I’ll pass on.

I was asked recently if I’d consider testosterone. And I don’t think I will. I am not keen on the hair grown, and I don’t really want to deepen my voice. The redistribution of fat would be nice, but I can’t afford top surgery anyway, so I don’t see it as being a good option. My chest is too large to bind effectively, so I don’t bother with that. So, here I am, and I don’t know where I’ll go from here. I don’t know for sure what it is I want, and there’s no telling when I will decide. And that’s okay. It really is. I’m at peace with this idea that I’m not at a point where I know all the answers.



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