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Welcome to My Darkness

Step into the darkness with me, my friend, and you will see a world unlike any other.

Hello, and welcome to my blog! I’ve decided to start using this regularly, and thought I’d start out with introducing myself and giving you some information about what I do and what is going to be on this blog.

First of all, I’m queer. I use that word purposefully and broadly, because I am very much queer in both gender and sexuality. I’m transgender nonbinary, specifically bigender with male and female aspects. I’m also asexual, specifically aegosexual. Aegosexual is a micro label under asexuality and indicates someone who is into erotic media and things of that nature, but not as much into the real-life eroticism. Basically, I enjoy the fantasy of sex and sexual interactions, but that’s really as far as it goes. I’m also pan romantic, as gender has no bearing on who I have romantic feelings for at all. Love, to me, is something related to a person’s soul, not their body, so that’s the way that works for me. In that vein, I’m also polyamorous, and have a very lovely boyfriend and wonderful enbyfriend. We form a triad together, and I’m their “unicorn.” (I claim that title because they’re married to each other. No, no unicorn hunting, we’re an organically formed triad.)

So, with that, you can kind of see why I write so many queer characters. I’m specifically trans masculine since I was assigned female at birth and suffer from sometimes crippling bottom dysphoria. That’s perhaps the reason I write in the m/m genre rather than any other group. I just feel very uncomfortable writing about vaginas and vulvas. I have, on occasion, like in my fantasy series, Legacy of the Phoenix, done male/female erotic scenes, but doing so is something I have to be in proper headspace for. In Chains of Fate, there will be some scenes featuring a female character, but that is down the road a way. I have been asked many times if I write heterosexual characters, and I’ve had people come to me requesting fanfiction with cishet characters in it, and I just can’t bring myself to write it. It wouldn’t be authentic to my writing style, and that’s important to me.

The asexual label often surprises people, since I Domme. It is very possible to be asexual and kinky, and there are many that find comfort in BDSM and bondage for more reasons than just sexual. I get asked, well, isn’t it sexual when you’re doing orgasm control? And I have to say, for me, it’s not. I’m doing what the sub has arranged with me via our negotiations. If they want orgasm control, then we’ll do that. If they want to be pegged and called degrading names, we can go that route. I do this virtually, which I know is controversial in the Lifestyle, but it is my only access to kink communities. In any case, it isn’t sexual to me at all. I get no “thrill” other than a top space afterward. I admit that sensation is somewhat addictive, and quite enjoyable, but again, it isn’t sexual. I can experience sexual arousal; I just generally only do so with fantasies.

Queerness explained, kinkiness explained, what’s next? Oh, how about the darkness?

I often get asked why I write things the way I do. Why focus on hurt and comfort as well as such traumatic events as I depict? Well, there are a lot of reasons behind my writing style, but I suppose most of it boils down to I write what is therapeutic and cathartic to me. I’ve wrestled much of my life with my demons, in the form of crippling anxiety, major depression, and later bipolar disorder and undiagnosed autism and other things. I’ve spent a lot of time in the darkest corners of my own psyche (seriously, read some of my poetry, you’ll see). Even though I’ve been in the dark, there’s always been a light at the end, and that’s perhaps where my desire to dabble in the area of hurt and comfort comes from. No matter how broken, how traumatized a person is, with the proper supports, they can reach the other side and find that light again.

Of course, I show every agonizing detail in my work, which makes it not for everyone at all. I know this. The realism I weave into the words I write is off putting for some. And that’s okay. Not every written piece is for every person out there, and I think that’s important. There will be those that read my works and follow me in my therapeutic relationship with characters and what they go through. And there will be those that just can’t take what I’m writing. That’s okay too. I warn people ahead of time in my works when there are violence and trauma coming, and I feel like that’s my responsibility as the author. I know there’s a lot of debate now days about “content warnings” and “content notes.” But honestly? It takes seconds for me to warn about coming disturbing material. I know what I write, and I don’t want people to walk into my works without knowing what’s coming.

I’ve been writing fanfiction since 2013, when I ran into it for the first time. I spent a solid three months reading as much fanfiction as I could get my hands on. And then, of course, I had to write it. I’ve put in more than three million words of writing since then, and all of it has improved my writing skills so that I can focus on original works that I’m publishing. I tested out scenes, stories, and original characters in these fanfictions to see how they worked. I tried things, and I experimented with different genres and blending different things together. All in all, it has been a fun and rewarding experience for me, and I don’t intend to stop writing it despite my new focus on a lot of original works. My fanfiction may be slower, but it will still be worked on.

That leads me to this blog. Here, we’ll talk about fanfiction, fiction, queerness, autism, mental health, kink, and more, whatever the topic of the day seems to be. I’m an open person, and some of it may get personal, but that’s why we’re friends, right?



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