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The Darkness Welcomes You Again

Updated: Jan 1, 2023

So, I guess this week I’m going to talk about Kink and how I got into it. Which is really a discussion of fanfiction, and how I got into that, too. And that leads to how I figured out I was transgender. I really will be kind of open about my own sex life, so fair warning there. But anyway, I was SUPER vanilla most my life with my ex-husband. We had fuzzy handcuffs we played with a time or two, and I had a couple toys, pretty cheap, basic ones you get at any adult toy store. He had his porn and we watched now and then, but I didn’t really get much out of it. I was always wanting a story to go with the sex. I always had to use toys or be on top to get to an orgasm, which I thought there was just something wrong with me. Turns out, I just hadn’t realized I was asexual to start with, and Aegosexual to be specific. I wasn’t aware of my own transgender nature, either; I just knew that regular, heterosexual romance didn’t do anything for me. Oh, I tried so hard to be “normal” you know.

In private life, I decided that I liked girls too, so this got the ex-husband all excited for a threesome. It did not excite me because the whole sex part didn’t interest me, so I just put that aside. I decided on the term pansexual at that time because I thought that’s what fit. I hadn’t figured out I was trans masculine and non-binary at that point.

Then, in 2013, I found a picture. It was on DeviantArt. I’ll never forget it. It was of Ichigo and Grimmjow from Bleach together, and it had a quote from a fanfiction on it. It linked to said fanfiction, and I went to it. I was dragged full force into the fanfiction world from then on. I read and read fanfiction for months on end, just figuring out the strangest thing. I liked to read romance and smut after all, if it had two men in it. I even joked about how I was a gay man in a woman’s body. How little did I know that that’s a common comment made by eggs. (Eggs are people who are transgender, but they haven’t “cracked” yet, so they don’t realize they’re trans). I read about plenty of cis women that liked gay romance, I then got into yaoi and looked up manga. Totally got sucked into the world of gay romance and smut. Then, one day, it hit me. Maybe I was more male than female?

Really, it was a strange idea at first. But I was comfortable with my female side, so I wasn’t a trans man. I didn’t want to be a man, but I did want a penis. In fact, my idealized self I saw as I am now but equipped with a penis. But I didn’t think I was a woman either, not entirely. I was both. And could be either. Then I came across the concept of being nonbinary and the term “bigender” which seemed to fit me so very perfectly. It was quite the aha moment for me. However, this was incredibly confusing at first, and it was about the same time I started writing Bleach fanfiction. I guess since it was my introduction to the fanfiction world, it became my staple. I realized something, though. My sex life improved. I enjoyed sex more. Of course, I was playing out fantasies in my mind that were often scenarios from my stories during it. And I found that I didn’t fantasize like most people. I was never IN my fantasies. I was always watching others, like a movie. And that was a realization that led me to figure out much later that I was Aegosexual.

So, anyway, that’s how I got into fanfiction and figured out I was transgender. How’s that lead to kink, you may ask? Well, that’s the next part.

One of my early Bleach stories (which still is available online; I never pulled it down) was named Doctor’s Training. I had become fascinated by the idea of BDSM and went headfirst into research. I found some reliable sites (some of which I recommend on my site and in my books) and was really enjoying this foray into learning BDSM along with the characters in the story. Then, I was contacted by a person that read it. She liked what I had but had some pointers as someone who lived the Lifestyle. We got to talking and eventually decided that Doctor’s Training would be an awesome original novel. So, that’s where I met Kenyon, my coauthor. In doing research, I delved into some groups and thought I was a switch. (I just thought I hadn’t met the right dominant for my sub side). I have since settled on the idea that I’m a Domme (as I only Domme in femme mode). I just can’t submit the way I have others submit to me. I found a couple subs that I play with online, mostly humiliation and orgasm control, but it still is fun.

So, there’s a lot of my history there. I don’t know how much of that you were overly interested in, but now you have a bit more of a knowledge of where I come from with my writing. Of course, there are more stories to be told, and much more to be revealed, but this is the start. This is where my writing came from, and how I got to where I am.



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